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Sunday, October 29th, 2006
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11:48 pm - Gone Fishing.
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| Friday, October 20th, 2006
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6:42 pm
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So there were two divorces finalized yesterday. One on GA, the other here. Ridiculous. Unlike GA, my mom is pretty screwed.
Every day is a new disappointment!
I found this feature on my phone where I can get it to not ring for certain types of calls. So if you are calling from a number not in my phone, or under a certain category, I won't hear it ring.
Oh crap, it's Friday isn't it. I never was able to get back to that guy about going climbing.
I've had some pretty icky dreams lately. Some nightmares... one where needles are being stabbed into my chest, tubes are being cut out of me, and an insane mother who is either too positive or too depressed. In the other I was walking with this guy along this river that had been built up, it was kinda a date, but his friends and mother were with us. When it came time for him to leave he seemed really uncomfortable about kissing me in front of them, as if he didn't want them to think there was anything between us. My mind instantly thought that there was someone else. I'm far too sensitive to the whole betrayal thing. I notice every little signal, every little sign. I don't share. Except when it comes to baking, then I have plenty to share. But as far as friends and guys go, I have a hard time sharing them.
It's been almost two weeks, and I still hate you and have no desire to speak with you ever again. So please stop calling me and stop making it seem like nothing is wrong, or that it's "all my fault". I know better than to accept the blame when it's someone else's slip up. I'm gone.
current mood:  irritated
current music: Leo won't shut up.
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| Monday, October 16th, 2006
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10:36 pm - Output is a Function of Labor and Capital
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F(L,K) = Y
That's a function of Labor (L) and Capital (K) is equal to output (Y). A simple economics formula for you.
I made beef stew today. I think I might be a disaster in the kitchen. I had never made it before, and no one was home to assist me when I had n00b questions. I know, I know, you're asking yourself, "Rin? A n00b in the kitchen?" Yes, yes I am when it comes to non-baked goods. I'm a fan of really simple things and sweet things, so I really have only learned that stuff. Would you believe I've never chopped an onion before? Yeah, the lack of chopping anything might be due to the fact we have no good knives, but nonetheless...
I think it turned out pretty good. I only felt like a disaster because I felt like I had no idea what I was doing. Tomorrow I think I'll make some yorkshire pudding to go with it. There's plenty of servings of stew so if anyone wants some, lemme know!
I think we are starting to notice a pattern to Leo's insanity. It seems whenever I am downstairs (in the kitchen usually, or rarely watching TV), he meows his head off. He sounds like he's in pain or desperate or something. We think he just wants me to go back upstairs. As if it's his way of saying "git back up there woman and give me a lap to sit on!" If he were human, saying that would get him a slap to the face and a door slammed on him. Instead he just gets shooed out of my room and the door almost closed on his tail. Damn brat.
Evil (Jesse) sent me smiley face cookies to cheer me up :-D. They are yummy and cheerful! Thanks Ebil :)
And now it's past my bedtime. I'm getting lame and starting to go to bed about 10ish.
Does anyone else seem to get a ton of hangnails this time of year? I always do, and I tear them off, and my fingers hate me for it.
Yes. I *AM* Rinsane.
current mood:  tired
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| Saturday, October 14th, 2006
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9:07 am - It's been one week...
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It's still hard to believe that he's gone. But that was his choice to leave. I suppose at some point you have to stop wasting your energy trying to get people to stay and just push them away. It's where they'd rather be anyway. What an asshole. He told me he wasn't leaving. He told me he said "no" to the offer to go. And then the very same night, he left. And other people found out about it before I did. Fucking asshole. Mat, you make me sick to my stomach.
In an effort to distract myself and regain my appetite: The Orionids meteor shower is coming up on the 21st. Even better, theres a new moon that night, so it will be way better to see. I missed the Perseids, but there are still the Leonids coming up on November 17th, and Geminids around December 14th. (For those who don't know: meteor showers are named for the constellation they appear to be radiating from.) So, who wants to drive out into the middle of nowhere, cuddle up with me on a blanket and watch these?
I still need to have a cookie party and carve pumpkins and make spiced toasted pumpkin seeds and and and...
How about this, a cookie/halloween party on the 28th? Steph is that cool with you?
And Chuck you are my hero.
current mood: betrayed
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| Thursday, October 12th, 2006
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9:54 pm - Noooooeeeesssss.
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9am
So I think I missed our one week of fall. It is snowing outside. Why anyone would want to live in this city for more than two weeks every year (for spring and fall) boggles my mind. Our summers are harsh, our winters are harsher, and spring and fall are fleeting. This place is depressing. No wonder my moods swing wildly, the weather does it too.
I'm transferring a whole bunch of pictures and old homework assignments that I thought were gone... Yey...
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(added) 1pm (?)
And then I had this crazy idea about trying to get into Mensa. Anyone wanna try and take the test with me? It's like $30 or something and is on the 21st of October. I'm not so sure I'd be able to make it in, but it could be fun to try...
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(edited again) 9pm
Oh man. Grey's Anatomy... It makes me laugh out loud, it makes me want to cry, it makes me drop my jaw, and it makes me want to quote it all day. It's... my life as told by someone else. Definitely done up and way better though. So she's supposed to choose between the two guys who love her? C'mon, we know how this will end. She'll let go of one, pick the other, who will in turn hurt her and let go of her. She'll end up with neither. No happy endings. Everyone is betrayed in the end. There's not one healthy relationship in that show. I don't think I've ever witnessed a healthy relationship myself. Do they exist? Or only in fairytales?
I had so much potential... Maybe I still do, but maybe I'm just the same - perpetually held back by my little hangups. I mentioned the Mensa thing to my mom, telling her how I was wanting to take the test to see how I'd do, she didn't sound all that excited. She told me that when I was either in elementary school or middle school the school or something wanted to send me to a special academy of sciences somewhere in Aurora. I don't remember that, but apparently I refused to do it because I would have had to live there-- like in a dorm at such a young age. When she mentioned why I didn't go, it made sense, I would have turned that down, and it made me vaguely remember the situation. I didn't realize how great the outcome would have been for that sacrifice. I never really do see that. Instead I focus on the sacrifice, the negative, the pain, and how no *possible* outcome could convince me to take that leap. I'd rather not take chances, especially when it comes to something that I don't have much faith or confidence in turning out positively. I'm that person who won't spend money to make money. Who will take the safe path and watch everyone else really live. Who will regret everything she's ever done or not done anyway. And then I'll be that person who finally tries to leap and ends up dead right as her life starts to wake up. I'm that tragedy. The sad one. The one with wasted potential. The one with no stories, and who will have no stories told about her after she's gone.
"I'm lost, and the shadows keep on changing.
And I'm haunted by the lives that I have loved, and actions I have hated"
current mood:  depressed
current music: Poe - Haunted
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| Wednesday, October 11th, 2006
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9:21 pm - Full Circle...
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Lets see... first order of business: Ace of Base quickly loses its appeal when you try to listen to it again.
Next: Computers...
OK. SO, up until today ( this is what the situation was: )
Today (because I was running out of time to return the new HDD) I finally backed up my sisters data on her laptop and stole it for a few hours. I swapped the hard drives (because I was certain hers worked), and BAM, nothing changed. The lappy still locked up on boot up and couldn't start all the way up. So it wasn't the hard drive, or at least it wasn't only the hard drive.
Next I tested the whole "non-recoverable data" thing by booting up her laptop with my old hard drive in it. And flick the dick it worked without a hitch. I quickly (over the course of about 3 hours) snagged all of my "lost" data. WOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOO.
I should have done this weeks ago. I suck. But hey, it's done and I have everything back.
So the moral of the story? Don't believe Circuit City, they were wrong on BOTH counts. Someone really needs to tell me though how I, the hardware n00b, was able to "recover" that data when they weren't able to. Asshats. Gonna have to go back there and bitch them out, because now I still don't have a laptop that works, they diagnosed it wrong, and I paid $90 for a new hard drive that I can't return without a 15% restocking fee + Shipping.
Finally: Pain...
I've been getting stress headaches lately, and my stomach has been extra angry at me for not feeding it. Then it gets angry again when I do feed it.
This rubberbanding back and forth from high to low, happy to sad, pleasant to rageful, is really exhausting and is starting to take its toll.
"And will you tell all your friends, you've got your gun to my head..."
current mood: exhausted
current music: Poe - Haunted
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| Tuesday, October 10th, 2006
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10:22 pm - And then after my dad left...
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So, luck didn't strike twice, as to be expected. Went to the other CompUSA that was closing and couldn't find the same deal as at the one near me. Damn. Oh well. Good luck comes for me once every few years. Maybe next time I'll savor the moment in isolation for a while before the world has a chance to ruin it for me.
Happy Birthday Steph... who doesn't read this anyway (thankfully). We celebrated at Cheesecake Factory. I ate too much and had a raspberry-banana daiquiri. Yum. For those of you who haven't tried the combination of raspberries and bananas in a smoothie or the like, it is an AWESOME alternative to strawberry-banana.
We ran the IoP trial 6 more times today and got six more common buffs. Damn. And damn WWE who got TWO rares. We seem to think it's bugged, because it used to be a SG could only get ONE rare.
Joke of the evening:
EVERYBODY HUG RIN.
Jase, where are your hands?
I wish I could be one of those chicks wielding the big sticks and beating on those huge drums in skimpy outfits. Oops, does that sound sexual? Because I really mean it. It looks fun and like a great workout. (That's what she said about the dance pole too. And there's definitely no way she has space in her room for one of those huge drums.)
And OMG I *have* to find and buy the old Ace of Base CD again. We all listened to "The Sign" on the way home and sang it... my mom even knew most the words. That music makes me happy. It totally reminds me of Shane (who I had a dream about the other day) and Kelly, and the good ole days. Oh man. I think I'm going to have to listen to that through YouTube.
"I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes, I saw the sign
No one's gonna drag you up to get into the light where you belong..."
"I'm going to be strong, I'm going to do fine..."
I've found something to amuse myself with for a good while...
*Rocks out to Ace of Base* Oh yeah...
current mood:  bouncy
current music: Ace of Base
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9:45 am - Fuck You Dad.
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I'm just a ball of fury lately. A new and improved bigger thorn in my ass has emerged once again as my fucking dad. Fucking self-centered, attention-whoring, over-sensitive, taking everything personally, men. FUCK them. My dad seems to excelled in those ranks. Anything you ever say to him turns around to being about him. Typical convo: Me: "Oh man, I'm so exhausted from going to school blah blah blah" Him: "Well don't you think that I get tired from all the stuff I do? I travel and work and sleep in hotels and blah blah blah blah blah". And now? NOW with the divorce he wants $41,000 from my mom. Originally it was $25,000, but he's upped it to equal the difference between what he's spent on him and what he's spent on my mom, my sister, and me. He's nickel and dimed it too. This includes the stuff he told us he was paying for, but now is going back on that arrangement and is including it in "our debt to him." If we had known he was going to make us pay in the end for that washer dryer, we wouldn't have let him PRESSURE us into buying the better (more expensive) one. We would have worked out a much different living arrangement, we wouldn't have gotten the 3 bedroom condo and would have split up so one of us would have been tortured living with him, and sticking it to him on the expenses.
And for all of that he thinks he's being generous to us. Fucking Asshole. I'll be so much better off when I can live on my own and have nothing to do with him.
And before you jump all over me for my crack at men, it wasn't directed at all of them, just specifically at the ones that are like that.
So much rage for such a little girl. Fair warning: You can either help me and work with me, or stay the hell out of my way, because if you don't, you too will be feeling my fury.
"I will bring you hope, old friend. And I ask only one thing in return: don't get in my way. We are the future, Charles, not them! They no longer matter!" - Magneto, X-Men
current mood: infuriated
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| Monday, October 9th, 2006
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7:34 pm - Geek Talk.
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Yey! We just did the Item of Power trial on CoH AND CoV. We had an amazing turnout with short notice. <3 JL. Too bad Ryan missed it, found out he's in the hospital T_T. I hope he's ok.
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| Sunday, October 8th, 2006
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8:31 pm - Venting.
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| Saturday, October 7th, 2006
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5:38 pm - "Sweetie, you don't need someone who's more fleeting than fall."
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I'd like to extend a good ol' "Fuck You" to Mat. I'm done.
He had to go and ruin my day too. I was all excited that I was lucky FOR ONCE with something - I was able to find a cheap way I could renew my CoH account and not feel guilty for wasting money while I take a few days off to finish stuff. Within about 30 seconds of reactivating I learn of his betrayal. Ass. Makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about it.
"I took a piss that lasted longer than you and your manipulations"
In other news, it appears to be fall. I'll have to take a walk sometime soon near North Central to take a look at the leaves. It was always so beautiful when I walked from my car to class. Maybe I'll pull a leaf from my favorite tree and laminate it. It has the most vibrant leaves and perfect shape. I need to go apple picking. I need to find a pumpkin to carve. Oh... I need to find my sister a birthday card and such... She dings 22 on the 10th. Oh! I have an idea for something I could make her... I like making gifts... It makes me feel productive.
"Don't you love those leaves? Don't you wish the orange stayed forever?"
Tryin' to schedule a day for a cookie party with Steph... Anyone have any suggestions for good days? Oh I know, let's schedule one for the day Eric has his party! *Glares at Eric*
Have you seen the new show Heroes? After two episodes I'm in love. I think it's cuz it 1. Attracts the geeky side of me, and 2. Taps into the human desire to be special and different, to be chosen for something "bigger". You should watch it if you haven't seen it. It's on Monday nights at 8 central on NBC. You can watch the previous episode if you've missed it on the website I linked there.
*Grumbles* I'm not allowed to have good days.
"I'd rather forget the days we've spent, than try to stay afloat in shallow water"
current mood: infuriated
current music: Saves the Day - My Sweet Fracture
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| Sunday, October 1st, 2006
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11:34 pm - Don't you love those leaves?
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Could you tell me the next time that you're choking?
I'll run right over to shove some dirt right down your throat,
It's nothing I have against you, you're just a creep and you can't remember the last five years.
What's a bond, if it dissolves in water?
I took a piss that lasted longer than you and your manipulations.
I called my mom last night, she said "Sweetie you don't need someone who's more fleeting than fall"
Don't you love those leaves?
Don't you wish the orange stayed forever
And crickets sang in the night all through winter?
And I thought, slow down,
Think of all the times this jerk
has fucked you up and left you down
And hey, I choose my company
by the beating of their hearts
Not the swelling of their heads
...Besides I'd rather forget the days we've spent,
Than try to stay afloat in shallow water
The thing about me and making decisions is that I put them off for so long that either I've finally gathered all the information I possibly could and make a choice, or someone else makes the decision for me. Usually it's the latter. Usually I insist it be the latter, actually. Early on I learned that I make all the wrong choices. I found a strong correlation with being sad and full of regret when I picked something, as well as feeling happier when someone else chose my path. Well, maybe not always "happy" per se, but at least I was better able to cope, and with much less regret. And things went on like that until there was so much stress and anxiety associated with making any decision for myself that now its second nature to get stuck waiting... and waiting, until something HAS to happen. And if it's left up to me to make the choice then I'll panic, throw all of the information I've gathered out the window, and pick a direction at random - which, I of course regret instantly.
What's this mean? I flop around by the will of others and don't take any initiative. It means I've lost any sort of voice I had with myself. That I just can't live my life anymore, and someone else is free to live it for me if they'd like.
I can't even speak for myself anymore. If you know me, I'm sure you've noticed. I prefer when someone else tells my stories, I'm usually quick to pass the conversation on to someone else, and stumble over words when I do try to talk. People even start to tell my stories now before I even get the chance to pass it off to them - The other day Arty was asking about the pole thing on vent, and Char went on and explained it to him, even though I was in the channel. He definitely did a much better job explaining it than I would have though. I'm sure the lack of practice makes me rusty too, but it's just so embarrassing whenever I open my mouth.
The whole regretting decisions is only made worse when parents continue to remind you that you "shouldn't have done that". Both of my parents have recently expressed how much they liked Matt, and keep expressing disappointment with my breaking up with him... and I did that about a year and a half ago. They ask me if I still talk to him, I think they have this hope that I'll get back together with him. I know better than to pursue that though, there's no way I'd ever want to put him through that again.
Waiting and doing nothing sent me to COD, panicking sent me to DePaul, and then back to COD, last resort and outside influence sent me to North Central.
And now I'm waiting again. Waiting for someone else to take the next step for me, because I never learned to take steps for myself. It's not enough to tell me where to walk, that only confuses me more. I need someone to move my feet and hold my hand. I am weak. I am alone. I am going nowhere.
... and you begin to wonder why you came...
current mood: distressed
current music: Saves the Day - My Sweet Fracture
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12:36 am - GA *is* my religion.
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A quote from the book of Grey, Season 3, Episode 1:
Fin: I know you think you're scary and damaged-
Mer: -Dark and twisty-
Fin: -It makes you feel like you don't deserve good things, but you do. And Derek, he's bad for you. But me, I'm a good thing, and if there is a race, if there is a ring... My hat is in.
(a little while later)
Mer: So what does this mean?
Derek: It means you have a choice... You have a choice to make... And I don't want to rush you into making a decision before you're ready...
... And now all I can say is I'm in love with you, I've been in love with you for... ever. I'm a little late, I know I'm a little late in telling you that. I just want you to take your time, you know? Take all the time you need, because you have a choice to make and when I had a choice to make, I chose wrong.
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IIIII dunnooooooooOOooooo.... who's she gonna chooooose?
current mood: tired
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| Thursday, September 28th, 2006
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11:14 pm - Going, going...
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I think I've fully slipped back into that state that I was back when I was in SAPB. Only sadder. You might know the one, back when I was "Vendibitch" a "man-hater" and the "anti-anti," only this time without the fun parts and weekly meetings. And it's getting to that point again where I just want to completely isolate myself from everyone. I can't even deal with the tiniest of things, like taking a shower and going to the grocery store so I can have something to eat that won't bother me. That of course means I can't even take a look at my laptop again, I'm about ready to toss it out the window with the new hard drive in it and cut my losses.
I'd also like to note that when I die I would like my ashes flushed down the toilet. I mean it.
Don't even ask about the job search. I've made no progress on that. Nothing. Really. Nothing. Just like meeeeeee.
Stuff Everything seems to be bothering my stomach a lot lately. Dunno. I pretty much give up.
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| Monday, September 25th, 2006
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12:13 am - Waitin
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Why do I bother waiting around for people who say they will come back? They never do. Maybe I'm just too gullible. Waiting is way worse than just being told that someone isn't coming back. At least that way I know I can just move on. I'm so tired of waiting. So tired of all the shitty everything. So tired of everything. So tired.
This is a pretty shitty outlet. Nothing helps anymore. I don't even get peace when I sleep.
current mood: depressed
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| Wednesday, September 20th, 2006
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4:17 pm
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so circuit city must have misdiagnosed my problem. because the new hard drive i just installed is still hanging up at the same point. waste of $95.
then the external enclosure for the internal hard drive i bought didn't have any instructions for setup. did what i could to shove it all in there, but then when it came to screw on the end, the screws/holes didn't line up properly. tried tightening more and it broke the tip off my screwdriver. i dont even want plug it in to see if it works. the screws still arent all the way in. waste of $105.
i give up.
i really can't take much more of this shitty life.
current mood: distressed
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| Thursday, September 14th, 2006
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10:37 pm - i don't know!
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The whole regret/indecisiveness thing is getting worse. Every decision is excruciating and every wrong decision I've made in the past is unbearable. So much anxiety flying at me from all directions. I can't deal with it.
Something's wrong.
Or rather nothing is right.
I just can't do it.
current mood:  drained
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| Wednesday, September 13th, 2006
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9:48 pm - "Had I known how to save a life..."
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Went bead shopping with Jinnel yesterday. I can't believe she's moving on Friday! Eep! We will have to get together and have a beading party or something. She needs to teach me to make the beaded flowers.
I still haven't found a replacement hard drive for my laptop, nor an internal drive and enclosure to make into a external drive for the family. Suck. I really need that, and I lost out on the deals last week. Damn.
Gotta get up at like 6 tomorrow to take my dad to the hospital tomorrow for outpatient surgery. Whee.
I've been questioning really random weird things lately. Like why it's traditional to eat dessert after a meal, and why married people sleep in the same bed.
Been starting to do that thing again, the one where I relive and regret embarrassing things I've done or mistakes I've made. I tried to think about other things, tried to distract myself, but couldn't focus on anything else. It all built up and felt like a huge weight on my chest, my core felt heavy, and it was hard to breathe. I finally fell asleep somehow, and had much needed distracting dreams. It never seems to fail, feel like shit = have distracting dream. In it I felt loved by and loved this one guy (apparently the guy from Stargate Atlantis), was a different person (Jessica Alba/Max from Dark Angel), and stabbed some evil man with a mini meat cleaver in the back at least 5 times (hey there's that meat cleaver again). And I joined the Army. Since I can't seem to find "Meat Cleaver" in any of the dream interpretation websites, I looked up "Stab":
Stab To dream that you have been stabbed, signifies your struggle with power. You may be experiencing feelings of inadequacy and defensiveness. Alternatively, you may be feeling betrayed as the popular phrase goes, "being stabbed in the back".
To dream that you stab someone, indicates your fear of betrayal and your untrusting nature. You may be too much on the defensive.
So apparently both apply? Cuz in that other dream I was being stabbed... well it was more like my skull being crushed but... yeah. They are kinda the same anyway.
And with that in mind, time for bed.
"And I would have stayed up with you all night..."
current mood:  uncomfortable
current music: The Fray - How to Save a Life
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| Sunday, September 10th, 2006
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12:26 pm - interests collage
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| Tuesday, September 5th, 2006
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5:52 pm
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:(
Lappy is back home. They couldn't recover any of the data.
*Sigh* bye bye last quarter of school, several pictures, and some music.
Luckily everything through March of this year was backed up to the PC. Still. Sad to see the other stuff go.
current mood: sad
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